(ALWAYS) ON MY TIGHT ASS

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Hi! I’m Jacob, and this is Fslur.

This is true — in every job I’ve had since college, a coworker has commented on how tight my pants are. This happened quite recently at my newest job, meaning I’m now six for six.

I’ve gotten these comments in other settings, of course. Friends observing my style in a friendly way. Men on the subway making comments just general enough to fly without a reply. Me calling attention to my own big fat caked up dumbie gumbie gumball popping humpty dumpty dump truck honky tonk badonkadonk double stack bric-a-brac knick knack paddy whack baby got back orbital (apologies to Samantha Harvey) interstellar (no apologies to Christopher Nolan) ass cheeks when it serves me. But calling it out at work?

When it’s male coworkers remarking on my tight pants, considering the comments anything other than floppy attempts at flirting would be naive. It’s cute. A deeply straight-identifying man edges queerness by calling attention to his attention on my ass. My ass exists primarily to pull these men out of the gravity of hetero-patriarchy. This mostly goes unsaid. My ass is a little treat for straight-identifying men to savor in tortured silence. But from time to time it’s nice to hear a man articulate his suffering.

Of course, this is my delulu spin. I’m not sure how these men intend their comments to land, but they mean to other me by calling attention to my non-conformity with standards of presentation for men. This fails because they’re seeking to exploit what they assume is a shared insecurity. But I dress myself. I know how tight my pants are because I put them on. I jump to put jeans on, à la Beyoncé. I stop in every mirror just to stare at my own posterior, à la Megan. I’ve stepped away from the chains of maleness these men can’t even feel at their baggy, boot-cut ankles. Queer-presenting people choose this freedom, this power.

It’s not that different when a woman makes these comments, except I would never assume a woman is flirting. I could suppose that she is threatened or envious, but that would step on her agency within our dynamic. Women generally have a strong track record of spinning the observation into a compliment, like love your pants, they make your butt look so good. But sometimes, including in the most recent instance, she sounds exactly like he does. Your pants are rather tight. I don’t know how you wear such tight pants. Don’t you feel like your pants are too tight? And so on.

When these women make these kinds of comments, they are upholding the same othering. It’s very mild, but it’s part of the same thought system that perpetuates the objectification of women at work. It reinforces the gendered expectations of workplace attire, which are derived from and uphold hetero-patriarchy.

Obviously, it’s inappropriate for a man to tell a woman that her pants are so tight. But even a man telling a woman that her pants are so loose, even if he stops there and that’s all he says, serves as a reminder that he’s assessing her presentation and implies that he would prefer her to wear tighter pants. This reinforces the history of male domination of female bodies. Men are increasingly aware that they shouldn’t say things like this, that it would be best to keep any thoughts about someone’s body or appearance quiet, but there are plenty of men who cross that line, and blurry spots down that line to tempt even the woke kings.

Maybe I’m an easier mark in our woke world. Men assume I’ll take it like a joke, while women see me first and foremost as a man, as one of the oppressors. Women have it worse, no doubt, not to mention more obviously gender divergent people. I am not the main character, and this is no one’s first microaggression. It’s just been on my mind.

My response depends on the context, of course. If a man on the subway calls out my ass, that’s probably an ignore. A man at the bar, though? Depends on his legs, his face and his build. At work, it’s hard to clock the comment as inappropriate while also using the confrontation to build into something more constructive, but here we go:

Wearing tight pants is one way I express my queerness. I value the freedom to be intentional in how I engage with gendered standards of dress. I often choose to bring femininity to my masculine body in order to push back on the false biological binary and raise awareness of gender as a construction. I do this in service of a broader cultural shift away from hetero-patriarchy. If you’re not on board, sucks for you. Meanwhile, if a guy is slobbering all over my tight ass, sucks for him.

Thanks for reading! Do you have thoughts? Do you know someone else who might? Please pass me around, and don’t hesitate to hit me up with comments, questions and fresh ideas. Catch you next time!

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FSLUR READING REC

Futbolista by Jonny Garza Villa

Texas queers really do go hard. Futbolista is sweet and sweaty and sexy, going down smooth and quick like Gabi down Vale. A heavy story about the challenges a young Mexican guy (and an athlete, no less) faces in coming out, but also a story bursting with joy and love, endearing family and male friendships and the expected but no less gratifying happy ending. Such a treat of a book, how could you not indulge?

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